A few weeks ago, I was talking with a client about how weird things had felt between them and their partner since a wildfire swept through their area. And not just emotionally—practically, too. Their routines were off, their communication felt strained, and intimacy had taken a backseat to just surviving. It got me thinking about something that doesn’t get talked about enough: how trauma—especially shared or environmental trauma—shows up in relationships.
When we talk about trauma, we usually focus on how it affects the individual. It fragments us. It disconnects us from parts of ourselves. But trauma doesn’t just live in our heads—it shows up between us, too. Especially in relationships that were already holding stress. A job loss, a death in the family, a diagnosis, a natural disaster—those things don’t just shake us up internally. They put our relationships under pressure, and that pressure can bring long-buried conflicts or unmet needs right to the surface.
Here’s what I often tell clients navigating trauma in their relationship:
First, name the thing. This isn’t just a rough patch or a bad week. If you and your partner are moving through something big—like a wildfire, an evacuation, or a major loss—that deserves acknowledgment. It’s not an everyday experience. Give yourselves permission not to have it all figured out. Grace goes a long way.
Second, know your threshold. Everyone has a saturation point—emotionally, mentally, physically. For some people, it shows up as brain fog or zoning out. For others, it’s irritability, a clenched jaw, trouble sleeping. Learn how your body says, “Too much.” And learn how your partner’s body says it too.
Finally, remember: you’re not broken—your system’s overwhelmed. That’s a big distinction. You’re not failing at being a partner. You’re adapting to stress. And sometimes, that looks messy. That’s okay.
The hard stuff doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed. It means your relationship is human. And in some cases, working through trauma together can actually deepen connection and build resilience.
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